Back after a Z-Day false start!

Before I get into my latest topic on how to survive a Zombie Apocalypse, let me first explain the long gap between posts.

A few weeks ago I was in the middle of a zombie movie double-header (28 days later and Resident Evil), trying to learn some new fighting tactics, when all of the sudden I heard some noises outside. Grabbing my machete, I went outside to investigate. Down the alley I noticed a couple figures in tattered clothes rummaging through my neighbor's trash cans. Did Z-Day start 3 years too early, or was this just another sign of a bad economy?!?! I didn't stick around long enough to find out (Survival Tip #1 - When in doubt, run!). In no time I was back inside, locked all my doors and windows, and kept a low profile for a few weeks. Until recently I was afraid to even turn on lights in my house, afraid that the zombies might see me. Eventually, I got up the courage to turn on the News and noticed that everything still appears to be "normal". So, here I am again, blogging for you hopeful Zombie Apocalypse survivalists. That brings me to today's topic...

Surviving Zombies in a Cold, Snowy Climate:

If you live somewhere that gets really cold and frequently gets snow, are you safer than those people in dry, warmer climates? In my opinion, you're absolutely safer. How many times have you slipped on the ice or snow? Lots, right? Now imagine you're a zombie who probably lacks the mental capacity to identify slippery spots on the ground. Great, now you probably see where I'm going. These helpful tips can help you survive a zombie attack in the snow:

1) Don't run in a straight line. Serpentine, serpentine, serpentine!!! Zombies are more likely to slip when you make frequent twists and turns.

2) Protect your house by spraying water on your driveway and sidewalks. The zombies will almost certainly fall when coming up to your door, and then you can move in for the kill. (You might want to warn your neighbors about this one... if any are still alive!).

3) Wear crampons on your boots. You'll have much better traction and will be able to easily outrun the zombies. Additionally, you'll need them to run up quickly on downed zombies so you can finish them off.

That's all I have for now. I think I'll watch Dead Snow to learn some additional tactics. Although, I can already tell you that I disagree with using a chainsaw in the snow. What kind of advice is that?! If you slip, there goes your leg, or worse! That just proves that you can't get all of your tactics from the movies...

Swimming After Z-Day

Imagine that Z-Day has passed and you're one of the lucky ones that have survived the initial onslaught. You've retreated into the mountains, away from civilization, in hopes of finding a stronghold to wait out the outbreak. Growing more confident, you start venturing around the hills and discover a nice, inviting lake...

Q. Should you go swimming?

A. NO! There could be zombies in there! What the heck are you thinking!? You'd be lucky if it's only a piranha chomping at your toes! Zombies probably aren't smart enough to swim, so you might be safe in deep water (because they'd be far below you on the bottom), but when you're close to the shore, all bets are off! Zombies can hold their undead breath for an eternity. That means they could be fully submerged and you probably won't be able to spot them very easily.

Bottom line: If you must go swimming, stay out of the shallow water. Otherwise just avoid the water and you won't become one of the undead...

Zombies on a Plane?!

While "Zombies on a Plane" sounds like a poor excuse for a Hollywood movie, it's actually something that needs to be considered before Z-Day. What happens when a zombie (or soon to be zombie) is able to get onto a flight full of normal people? Will you be killed, eaten, or turned? How do you survive it?

Take a deep breath, sit back and close your eyes. Now imagine you are flying on a plane. While trying to catch some Z's (no pun intended), someone contracts the Zombie Virus, or a zombie was hiding in the plane restroom until you are airborne. The newly infected zombie's row mates will start to look very tasty, or the zombie recently in hiding will burst out looking for food. The in-flight meals that the flight attendants are serving just won't cut it! What do you do?

a) Run quickly towards the front of the plane, in hopes of hiding in the cockpit?

WRONG! Even if you are lucky enough that the cockpit door is unlocked and the zombie is further back in the plane than you are, most likely the air marshals won't know what is going on. They will think you are a terrorist and you will be shot on sight. This may be an effective strategy after the air marshals are fully aware of the situation, but most likely the isles will be too jammed with screaming people to make it to the cockpit at that time.

b) Pretend to be dead and hope the zombie gets full on all of the screamers that aren't savvy enough to survive?

WRONG! It might work for a while, but eventually you will be found, you will be bitten, and you will join the ranks of the undead. Not to mention, more zombies will be created as the mayhem unfolds. You must remain active and alert...

c) Look for a weapon. Defend yourself and go on the offensive.

CORRECT! But what weapons are available? Most likely all potential weapons were confiscated at the airport security, or no attempt was made to bring them aboard. What you must do is think outside the box. Start opening overhead bins. Trade off between opening and throwing luggage. Grab small children or midgets and hurl them at approaching zombies. Don't let the zombies get the upper hand. Try not to let the zombies feed on anyone (making more zombies). Eventually you will find a suitable weapon that can be used to fend off and hopefully kill the zombie. If all else fails, pile luggage to create a barrier. People on the other side won't be too happy, but it's everyone for themselves, right?!

d) You are in the restroom (not the one with the zombie, in one of the scenarios). Should you stay there?

Too close to call, but probably WRONG! You should hope that you aren't in this situation, because staying there could mean that you'll have even more zombies to fight once the plane has landed (assuming the plane actually lands successfully). The only way this could be a successful strategy is if the plane lands, all the zombie get off the plane in a calm, orderly manner, or are all shot by law enforcement and you're lucky enough to not get shot in the process. You get the picture, survival is slim to none if you're trapped in the plane restroom.

Closing thoughts: The confined space of an airplane makes survival very tough. Larger planes with additional isles make for easier dodging and greater chances of circling the zombie. Planes with a single isle are death traps. Try not to fly on small planes as Z-Day approaches. As a final suggestion, you might want to consider a parachute as one of your carry-ons.

Any other strategies that I missed?

Did Ted Kennedy Know Too Much?

Senator Kennedy's passing is indeed quite sad but I question the timing.

As a major proponent of health care reform in the US Senate, no one knew the large pharmaceutical companies like Kennedy. The question is, did he know too much?

As the partnership between Big Pharma and the US Government grows in anticipation for Z-Day, many of leaders will be having second thoughts. They will be tempted to speak out, to warn us, or to try and escape the pending Zombie Apocalypse themselves.

Was Teddy Kennedy ready to speak out? We'll never know. What we do know is that there is no medically accepted cause for brain cancer. What better way for Big Pharma to eliminate risk!

Sure, he could have "accidentally slipped in the tub" or "been mugged" but that would have raised doubts. No one is the slightest bit suspicious of Kennedy's death and focus will be shifted to morning the loss rather than learning the truth of his untimely death.

As we get closer and closer to Z-Day, I wonder how many other leaders will die of mysterious and unknown causes?

Texting While Driving = Zombie Driving

With only 1,217 days remaining until Z-Day, it's not often I spend time thinking about things not Zombie related, then again what isn't Zombie related?

A controversial British PSA (WARNING, VERY GRAPHIC) provides an example of what can happen when drivers are distracted.

This issue has me thinking two things...

1. This blog is all about survival and if you die before Z-Day, you stand no chance of surviving Z-Day at all.

2. On Z-Day we can expect out of control motorists and accidents. Probably worse than this video. In other words, highways will not be safe for travel from infected areas (more on this later).

What does a math professor know about Zombies anyway?!?!

Robert Smith, a math professor from the University of Ottawa, claims that humans could win in a "Zombie War". According to Professor Smith, the key to victory is - "the army moves in, and they start just destroying the zombies. So they cut off the heads, they shoot the brains, and they basically take out the zombies in a series of attacks"...

Oh, is that it? Just rely on the army!? Great game plan. Remind me not to hide next to you when the zombies show up.

You might want to take a trip to the video store, Professor Smith, and rent a fun little film called "28 Days Later". You might change your tune...

(Screenshot above courtesy of "28 Days Later" from DNA Films.... While you're at it Professor Smith, how about asking the army to use napalm as well? Then you'll have pissed-off, flaming zombies after you!)

Zombies in Politics

The real reason Hillary Clinton wasn't chosen as the Democratic Presidential Candidate? You guessed it. Clinton was accidentally exposed to the Zombie virus in late 2006 at a meeting with President Bush who was also infected. Our sources believe the meeting that put Clinton, Bush, and the viral agent in the same room was a demonstration, but we can't be sure.

Both Clinton and Bush were given strong anti-viral meds to slow the progression of conversion but require massive amounts of makeup to look even somewhat human. Both lack the ability to digest human food and have to be given a special mixture of hemoglobin and protein in order to survive.

Occasionally a picture will sneak out showing us all what we can expect on Z-Day.

In order to maintain the perception of control, Bush was isolated from nearly all of his staff for his last two years in the White House and had to be retaught how to speak. It was during this time that Bush mispronounced the word "nuclear" and was mocked throughout the world.

Clinton requires handlers who have to tell her what to say on a daily basis in her job as Secretary of State. Her motor control is also starting to suffer and resulted in a bad fall in June of this year. The result is that these days Bill is sent on more diplomatic missions than Hillary as evidenced by his recent trips to North Korea.

Although there is very little left of the Hillary Clinton we used to know, there is still enough cognitive function remaining for her to know she is quietly being replaced by her husband and she isn't liking it.

Ancient Egyptian Zombies?!?!?

Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics show a mass zombie graveyard!
(notice the decapitated bodies on the right - what else could they be, besides zombies?)



How much did the ancient Egyptians know about zombies?
Were the pyramids built to be large zombie detention camps?
Is the ancient Solanum virus still in circulation today?

See what archaeology.org has to say about it:

http://www.archaeology.org/online/features/hierakonpolis/zombies.html

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit

1. Military-style backpack (lots of pockets to hold all the stuff below)
2. First-Aid kit (although, if you get bit/scratched, you’re probably a goner already)
3. MREs or other compact food supplies (you’ll still have to eat… until you’re converted or you're dead)
4. Canteen, for water (you might be in hiding for several days before getting to water)
5. Iodine (to cleanse the water of potential zombie virus)
6. Magnetic induction, shake flashlight (LED preferable, zombies hate LEDs!)
7. Mirror (to check for breath… no breath = zombie)
8. Good running shoes (zombies aren’t slow like in the movies, you’ll be running a lot)
9. Bullet Proof Vest (let’s face it, bullets are going to be flying when chaos erupts)
10. Machette (Axes, while effective, are much too unweildy – aim for the head)
11. Flare Gun (as a last ditch effort to signal for help)
12. Deck of cards (you’ll need something to do while you’re in hiding)
13. Caffiene pills (so you can stay awake in dangerous areas)
14. Bleach (to mask the smell of your blood – zombies can track blood for miles!)
15. Change of clothes (you’ll need to change into something while washing out the blood)
16. Night vision goggles (so you can see the zombies at night, obviously)
17. One or more guns (I’ll cover this later…)
    
    I many have overlooked something. Any other suggestions?

New ZA2012 T-Shirts coming soon!!!

Coming soon!!!!

My Zombie©

Remember that lovable boy-doll from the 80's named "My Buddy?" Well, toy maker Kenbro is partnering with the US government in its latest Zombie desensitization campaign.

The new kid's doll will be called "My Zombie" and is rumored to go on sale in late 2010 just in time for Christmas. This timeline is perfectly placed at two years before Z-Day given the typical toy market fatigue for ages 3-6. By December 2012 every child who wants a My Zombie doll will have one!

This desensitization campaign is designed to do two things...

1. Introduce children to the idea that Zombies are normal and can even be fun. Children are a key conversion demographic as most people will disobey government orders to try and save their children. But if the kids have already been infected from playing with the Zombie in the front yard, why fight it?

2. Introduce the entire household to the idea of Zombies using something every child will ask Santa Claus for. How can we say "no" to kids? The more Zombies become a normal part of our lives, the less extraordinary it will be when we see Zombies in real life.


Kenbro has already been working on a commercial and asked Marilyn Manson to do the music. Expect to hear the following jingle on your TV in fall of 2010...

My Zombie
My Zombie
Wherever I go, he goes
My Zombie
My Zombie
He has stuff running out of his nose
My Zombie
My Zombie
He wears blood stained clothes
My Zombie
My Zombie
My Zombie and Me

What do UK scientists know… that they aren’t telling us?!

From the UK:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/6049924/Zombies-would-most-likely-wipe-out-humanity-if-they-really-existed-claim-scientists.html

Do these scientists have privileged information about the when/where of the impending outbreak?
Which government agency is paying for this type of research?
If a zombie outbreak is completely fictional (like most people think), why would UK scientists be modeling it?
Aren’t there plenty of infectious disease outbreaks to be modeled – swine flu, west nile, etc?

From my experience, scientists don’t waste time or money on foolish, worthless research.

More to come…

Z-Day Population Analysis

Data smuggled out of the Centers for Disease Control reveals a frightening population shift during the early stages of the Zombie Apocalypse (Z-Day).

As detailed below, Zombie population begins to dramatically increase starting on Z-Day + 2 and plateaus on Z-Day + 17.

The Zombie Apocalypse starts with the discovery of a strange virus in a highly populated urban area of the United States. By day 21 the US population of 310 million Humans has been reduced to 11,068,902 fighting for their lives. So how do we get there?

Z-Day: The US Government, or public/private partnership, releases the virus into a highly populated urban environment. Hospitals and urgent care facilities are overwhelmed with patients complaining of flu like symptoms. Many are told to go home and see their primary care physician on the next day.

Z-Day + 1: Medical facilities recognize they are dealing with more than just a simple flu and notify the CDC. CDC dispatches teams to facilities around the country to begin collecting data. Zombies begin infecting Humans for the first time on this day.

Z-Day + 2: CDC quarantines initiated in all infected geographical areas. State governors call on the National Guard to help keep the peace. In a normal outbreak this would be a wise precaution, but with Zombies this only guarantees the large urban populations cannot escape.

Z-Day + 2 to 5: Zombies rapidly convert all Humans in confined areas. Few escape after infection spreading the viruses to rural areas as well. The National Guard is finally issued orders to kill non responsive Zombies (formerly civilians) to attempt and contain the outbreak.

Z-Day + 6: President Obama declares a national state of emergency, FEMA is mobilized. Congress authorizes force against the American people in compliance with Posse Comitatus. Hope for a cure is abandoned as the Zombie population, reaching 26 million, becomes too large to contain.

Z-Day + 7 to 16: Complete chaos. The media struggles to keep newsrooms open while the Emergency Alert System broadcasts the locations of safe zones on AM and FM radio. Most going to these locations will find they made a huge mistake.

The military will give up on the practice of "Removing" (i.e. beheading) Zombies during this period as the Zombie population grows faster than the world's greatest military can kill.

During days 7 to 16 those will little or no Zombie survival skills will be converted creating a shortage of humans who are accessible--this creates the plateau we see in the data on day 17.

On day 21, three weeks after Z-Day, will you be a Human, Zombie, or Removed?

Welcome to the impending Zombie Apocalypse!

Greetings, fellow survivalists! After studying virology for the past two decades, including DNA modeling and engineering, I can no longer remain silent about the impending genetically engineered zombie outbreak. Over the next several weeks/months, I plan on disseminating important information on how to identify, survive, and even thrive after a Zombie Apocalypse.